


I'll find myself (In the end)

by TammyDKiryu



Series: End of All Days [Season 15] [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Season/Series 15, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Depressed Dean Winchester, Episode: s15e03 The Rupture, Gen, Post-Episode: s15e03 The Rupture, Protective Michael, Season/Series 15, Suicidal Thoughts, kind of ooc
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-02
Updated: 2020-03-03
Packaged: 2021-01-12 23:07:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21234080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TammyDKiryu/pseuds/TammyDKiryu
Summary: He decides to drink for his brother and... Friend that could getaway.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> _I'm in the middle of nothing_  
_And it's where I want to be_  
_Why at the bottom of everything_  
_I finally start to believe_  

> 
> [The Story - 30StM](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-YZKg3SjwQ)

"I fucked up."

He said, and Sam didn't look surprised.

_ Why didn't he look surprised? _

"You can go with _him_ if you want."

He is angry at Cas, at Chuck, at Belphegor, at Sam, especially at himself.

He is angry. He is mourning.

And he just wants to scream (he shouldn't have shouted at Cas and he shouldn't shout at Sam right now, Rowena just died-)

"Later. We need to plan."

And he didn't say no.

Sam didn't say no.

_ Why his brother didn't say no? _

Sam looks at him the same way Cas looked at him when he said that he had to move on.

Like last time, he doesn't say anything.

Like last time, he stays where he is, watching how one of his more important persons on his life walks away from him.

(Like it always has. Like Sam with Stanford, like his dad with the hunting, like Cas with Heaven, like mom-)

He chokes in air, hearing the door of the bunker closing.

The table of the library is burning and he doesn't care.

It makes him remember a pile of books ready to do the same.

Two bodies in the middle of the room. Then three with Cas all bloody and hurt and-

He grabs his backpack and gets out of there, not knowing where to go and not even caring.

* * *

"Cas-"

_"I'm not coming back-"_

"I'm not asking you to do it. Where are you?"

_ "Going to Claire's." _

"Oh, good... Can I meet you there?"

_ "...Just you?" _

"...yeah."

_ "Something happened?" _

"So many things had happened, Cas."

_ "What Dean thinks about it-?" _

"I don't care about what Dean thinks about it!"

_ "..." _

"So, can I meet you?"

_ "Yes." _

"See you then, man."

And just before he hangs up, he thinks he heard Cas saying something like _I was wrong._

* * *

He is in the bar.

Alone.

(He remembers drinking with an annoying demon by his side... And now even his mother is dead-)

Takes the shot in one go.

Feel it burn his throat in a good way.

Thinks in how for some time he didn't feel anything at all.

(He wishes they had left him to stay that way. Why would they bring him back to just leave him-)

He knows why. 

He said it before, after all.

When Sam noticed. When Sam decided to get away from him

He was poison. Killing everything he touches.

Now Cas knows too.

He decides to drink for his brother and... Friend that could getaway.

* * *

Sam hugs Cas tight. Cas considers it for some seconds before corresponding the hug.

He looks behind Sam, waiting for the Impala to appear. Dean to be there.

Figures. He isn't there.

"Hey, man."

"Hello, Sam."

They don't talk about Dean.

* * *

The alcohol was still coming and he still feels like shit.

The sex comes next, still nothing different.

Hunting helps. It makes him feel like it's Purgatory again.

Without Benny.

Why Benny couldn't come back? He was the only one that never left.

(He was the one to left Benny.)

_ "I'm sorry, brother." _

He receives texts from Jody, asking how he is.

He always answers them because is Jody.

But always he questions himself if she really cares or if she's just asking because someone is asking her to ask.

(To check that Dean is not dead yet.)

He knows he doesn't have that luck, so he says a _Thanks, Jody_ every time she asks.

Because at least Jody appears to care.

He finds demons enjoying the end of the world.

(How he wishes to be one of them-)

They know enough not to mess with him. Not if they don't want to end up dead.

(Like Jack-)

He takes his keys to get out there without looking back. Even if he feels eyes on him.

He didn't resist even a week.

Four days and he gets injured to dead on a hunt. He doesn't struggle to get out of there alive.

Maybe if he dies, Chuck would be mad enough for not following the script (again) to stop the End of the World.

He prays to Cas _I fucked up. I'm sorry._ one last time, before blacking out in the middle of the forest.

The next time he wakes up, he is alive.

And isn't that a disappointment?

* * *

Jody looks worried but doesn't say anything to him, to them, but he knows what she's been doing.

He doesn't really care (he kind of does) because Dean is a big boy who can take care of himself.

(Not of others, he can no longer do that for a long time.)

They talk when he appears with Cas but not Dean.

Sam explained to them and Claire is mad enough to curse Dean out loud and take Cas with her upstairs. The others watch her go but they don't say anything and just smile at him.

But Jody looks mad.

She doesn't say anything to him either way. She just says that they can stay any time they want but leave after.

So, again, Jody looks worried but still doesn't say anything. Then her phone rings.

She gets up and not even looking at him, gets out of the house. He doesn't follow her and notices Cas looking at the door but doesn't move for where he is either.

30 minutes later, Jody cames back, calmer. 

He feels like breathing again because is a good expression, except that when she looks at him, it's not a good look.

Again, she doesn't say anything to him and she just goes to the kitchen.

He should ask what happened. He should ask how Dean was doing. But he doesn't.

(And he doesn't feel too guilty about it).

* * *

He was alive thanks to Leo and even if he says thank you, he didn't mean it.

At least, time with him was _good_.

They drink, they fuck.

They laugh and they hunt.

(Just for two days because it is the End of the World and Dean is always in the middle of the storm, and he doesn't want to kill someone else for just being there.)

So when they fuck again, he leaves in the middle of the night.

Leaving a note saying _Thanks_ and _Take care_.

He talks to Jody later, when he stops in the middle of the road going nowhere.

* * *

He feels it just entering a dinner in the middle of nowhere.

He feels a dread cover him, making him want to run and hide and just _get out of there_. But he is being stupid because Michael is dead. Jack killed him.

(And that ended up killing him.)

Takes a breath deciding to enter completely and just go to a table.

The feeling is still there. 

The feeling of Grace from an Archangel it's painful because it was always painful.

(But the little bar on his head was nice, and again Sam and Cas went for him. why would they went for him if they were gonna leave him-)

He gets lost in his throughs not noticing how someone sits in front of him. It's just when the waitress decides to come to take his order.

"So, ready to order?" he looks at her with a smile when a voice answers first.

"The pie is good. You should try it. That's your thing doesn't it?"

He freezes and looks in front of him. And there it was. A face that was in his nightmares so time ago.

"Adam-"

"Oh, good choice. We have the best pies in the town. Especially the Apple one."

"That would be good."

"Coffee?"

"Please."

The waitress goes away and Adam looks at her until she disappears behind the counter.

Dean is still looking at him without breathing. Not knowing if he should run away or just stay to be killed.

Adam turns to look at him and smiles.

It's a nice smile. 

His eyes shine unnaturally and he resists to make a sound of pain when he remembers how his eyes looked like that not so long ago.

(And the pain and the solitude and-)

"Hello, Dean."

Adam (Michael?) says and he whimpers because that's his littlest brother, but the archangel too.

"Long-time no see."

And he begins to pray _sorrysorryimsosorry_ because his throat is closing, not letting him talk. Not letting him even breathe-

He noticed too late that he is having a panic attack in the middle of a dinner, in front of an archangel that could (and should) kill him.

Then he feels more of that Grace, and it makes it worse.

"Hey, no, no. That wasn't- Shit, I fucked up-"

He manages to hear Michael (Adam?) said, and he laughs a little because it is him.

He is the fucked up. Not Adam. Much less Adam. He left him in the cage after all.

It doesn't surprise him that that's why everyone leaves him. He did the same to his baby brother.

He only cared for Sam when he wasn't the only one he was taking care of.

(Cas, Kevin, Charlie, Jack, Adam-)

He cries not caring where he was or with who because it hurt. Everything is hurting now and he wishes to feel nothing.

He wishes to not have a soul. To be a demon. To be inside his head with an archangel riding shotgun.

And the Grace around him change, make him make a sharp sound. Because it hurt, and it feels like wrath, like a betrayal.

Then he has hands on his shoulder and looks up to look at Adam's (Michael's?) angry face.

"What did you do?"

He hears the real voice behind Adam's voice, and his ears are still intact.

He doesn't like that.

Then he notices how they aren't on the dinner anymore. How close Adam is now. And again, how angry he is.

"Adam-"

"Dean Winchester, I need you to tell me what did you do?"

His body is trembling, looking at AdamMichael, but he says it anyway because it was an order, and following orders right now was better than be lost.

"I said Yes."

And Michael, because he can just see Michael right now, is looking at him with sadness. Not angry anymore.

"Dean." 

He says it in a way that makes him tremble again. It's so calm and kind, and he doesn't need that.

Not for _Him_.

And then he finds himself being held by the archangel or his brother, or whoever is in control now. And Adam is shorter than him, but his legs can resist his weight anymore, so he just falls against the other and sobs.

He feels Grace. Warm, like he suppose it really should have felt. (Like how Cas' Grace felt-)

"Because that's the way you have to feel with our grace. Whoever did this to you, to your soul, deserves to die by my hand."

He said in a way that makes him chuckle, but he is still crying.

"He is. He is dead. Jack-" chokes in the name before sobbing again. And the Grace is still warm against his soul?.

"We should talk later."

"You're gonna be here later?" he asks because he really wants to know. 

"Of course."

He sobs again.

"Everyone leaves."

"Not us. Not now."

He guesses that's enough to feel secure to blackout in the other's arms.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen, I still not watch season 15 (i got stuck on the 12) but that doesn't mean I don't know what is going on with it.  
So watch out for spoilers on the next note...

The world didn't end after a month; that didn't mean it wasn't dangerous out there.

She knows Dean is a big boy, as Dean was alone for a time and had survived worse (she remembers how the leviathans were a nasty thing. She thanks whoever is out there that is not _God_, that this one didn't bring them back.). So she doesn't feel worried when he didn't answer on the first tone or the second one.

She thinks that maybe it was a bad day.

(Recently, when is NOT a bad day.)

She didn't expect someone else to answer, and less that she doesn't recognize their voice.

"Sheriff Jody Mills?" says a young voice, but with a mature tone. She can't really picture the person.

"...yes? Where is Dean?" because that's the thing that matters.

"We apologize, Dean was... exhausted. He is resting now." She should feel worried that an unknown person is telling her that, but for some reason, she doesn't. "He is having a bad week."

_Who doesn't?_ , she wants to ask.

"Oh, yeah. The kid..." he wasn't a kid, but-"...the kid needs that."

"Exactly."

"Can you... Please, can you tell him when he wakes up that he calls me?"

"Yes. I can do that." She notices the pause at the other side of the line. "I want to thank you for caring for him."

And that's not what she was expecting to hear.

"He is family," says without a doubt.

"Is he?" and, even if it sounds like a question, for some reason, she knows it isn't. She can picture the other person with a smile. Maybe a sarcastic smile or maybe a nostalgic one. "I thank you, either way, Sheriff."

"Jody. Call me Jody. If you're with Dean right now and you're gonna stay with him, we're gonna talk to each other some more."

"Indeed."

"... you're gonna stay with him?" She needs to know because she has her girls with her. She has two of the three boys with him, but Dean is alone out there.

(She didn't ask him to come with them, because she knows Dean is going to say no. And she knows that Sam and Castiel are going to be out before Dean gets there and that, for sure is gonna be worse for Dean. So she doesn't ask and Dean doesn't either.)

"Yes. He is family, after all." And she believes him.

_Good._

"I have to go. We're going to be in contact. It was a pleasure to meet you, Jody." She notices something different in his tone but decides to ignore it. It's not really important.

"I can say the same, ..." She forgot to ask for a name.

"Adam."

"Well, it's a pleasure to meet you, Adam."

"The feeling is mutual, but I had to go. Please, send my greetings to Sam and Castiel."

This time the tone used with the names was drier. She doesn't question him about it.

"Well, I can do that. Thank you again."

"No, Jody. Thank _you_." And with that, he hangs up.

She looks at her phone after that, letting out a relieved sigh.

At least Dean wasn't alone anymore.

* * *

Michael knows what is being left behind, being betrayed for his family. _He knows_. And Adam knows too.

Dean told him how that would be the end, and he didn't listen.

Michael didn't resent Dean when he was the one that knew so long before he did. Adam didn't resent Dean either because he tried. He came back to the door, and he feels his regret after these years.

He suffered what they both did even before all of that.

(He doesn't resent Sam either when he remember how he tried to protect him on the cage before Michael did, but he is not happy with him right now.)

Michael and Adam resent Cas for two different reasons; either way, they're not going to do anything against him. Not when they can feel everything Dean is feeling.

The bond between vessel and archangel is an interesting thing.

Even after the mark, and the darkness and the impostor, Dean was still _his_. And he learned to take care of his humans in the cage, so he is going to do the same on Earth.

Also, he knows that the world is ending by the hand of his father _again_. They need to "kick his ass" and who else is perfect for the job that the one that said _fuck destiny_ and _be free will_ than Dean Winchester.

* * *

When Dean wakes up, he doesn't know where he is, but its not as he really cares about it. These weeks have been like that. Except for the proper sleep, that's the only thing different.

He never has does.

"Morning," hears someone say, and he freeze, recognizing that voice.

Looks up, and he sees his little brother (for some reason noticing the Grace around him knowing that Michael was in there too) remembering what happened on the dinner.

"Morn'ng." He answers back, lost of what else to say, and Adam smiles at him, showing a nice smile again that makes him want to cry. "Adam-"

"We heard you the first time, Dean. We know you are repent."

"That doesn't make it right." He says mad at himself.

"We know, but you can compensate us."

And that's never a good thing in his experience, but right now he doesn't care.

"How?" And sees Michael (Adam?) make a pained expression that confused him. "Adam-"

"What happened to you, Dean?"

He holds his breath, feeling his eyes burn.

He knows the answer, _so many things_, wants to say. _God_ is a good answer too.

"_Life._" He says, with a picture in his mind of Cas, human Cas from a future that fortunately never happened saying the same thing to him.

(That Cas stayed with him, why this one didn't?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I really wanted to publish this chapter BEFORE the last episode that air of season 15 considering (Spoilers) Adam and Michael appear.  
But it's not like I already say how this is entirely AU from the season so whatever, I guess.  
The thing that I got right (i think, still not watch the episode) is the good relationship of these two, how Dean is really confused to see Michael act like that (?) and how Adam does not really hate them???
> 
> I don't know... Completely AU like I said before.
> 
> (the thing that fortunately I was wrong is Sam leaving Dean and Cas being away for long.)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made a jump to the timeline because 1) is an AU and 2) because I still not watch Season 15 but for sure I'm gonna watch it before the next episode.  
(Maraton Time!)  
Meanwhile, have this. I'm gonna add some chapter before for sure so wait for that I guess.

“Ready?” asked Adam, putting something in his little bag.

“You don’t need to come with me, you know?”

“And give you the opportunity to stay there? Not a chance.”

“I wouldn’t do that.”

“Of course you wouldn’t.”

“Is that sarcasm I hear, kid?”

“I can be sarcastic when I want to!”

“That’s not what Mike told me.”Adam pouts at him, and he looks so young doing that. (He doesn’t want to think of Michael doing that because that is a hilarious image.) “Returning to your question, yes, I’m ready.”

He wasn’t. He really wasn’t. And Adam should feel it because of Michael.

Still, he didn’t call him on his bullshit.

Purgatory is a bittersweet memory for so many reasons. The need to go there for something important again is an irony that is gonna ignore. Mike wasn’t happy to hear that he ended up there so long ago, but after mentioning the thing about Benny, he looked calmer.

(He doesn’t need to control his emotions anymore because it’s useless with someone as Michael that can read him like a book. Maybe he was happy to talk about Benny, so what?)

Mike just agrees to do that because he knows is necessary, and Adam insisted on going for the thing he thinks can happen. (It's no secret that he would prefer to go to Hell or Purgatory than being on Earth.) In the end, it's gonna be a brotherly vacation to Purgatory. He guesses it could be worse.

The portal is open with Adam grabbing his little bag with things they would need to survive, or that's what the kid thinks. He just has a machete with him and his always lovely gun. (And maybe some snacks that Adam doesn’t need to know about.)

When they go through the portal, he can smell the familiar scent of trees and dirt and blood. Still feel pure, warm in a way, and dangerous.

Adam looks nervous, even if he should be the less one to feel like that. He has the archangel inside. He doubts that even the leviathan would want to get close.

He decides to grab his shoulder and give him a squeeze trying to comfort him, Adam's body relaxes under his palm, and he feels then some grace running through his arm. It's a nice feeling now that makes him chuckle and let a content sigh.

They are all right, and this is going to be a piece of pie.

Jody is worried.

The girls would say she is always worried, and she would answer that yes, of course, she is a mom after all.

She knows she would pay attention to the conversation going around her.

They are celebrating for another month to be alive in a discrete way. No restriction on alcohol and no hunts today. The girls are enjoying themselves, Sam and Eileen are too. She wishes she can do it, like them, but she can’t.

She knows Castiel isn’t either. He is talking with Donna, but he doesn’t look so relax. She doesn’t want to presume, but maybe she knows why. The same reason she isn’t.

Looks again at her phone, reading the text for a hundred times.

_We’re going to Purgatory. If everything goes right, we're gonna see us soon._

That was send this morning. Obviously, she called him, and Dean answered all her questions.

(She didn’t know all the implications of “going to purgatory” meant, and when she mentioned that to Dean, he said: _Ask Cas._

Dean saying the other name was a sign all for itself.

They never talk about Sam or Castiel. She doesn’t mention them, and Dean doesn’t ask. (With Adam (Michael?) was another thing entirely.)

She just said that maybe she would.

Dean sounded nervous, and maybe was the traveling to purgatory, but he sounded more... like the Dean she talked to before Mary’s death. No. Perhaps the one she talked to before the Michael thing.

It’s refreshing, and she has to thanks Michael (Adam?) for it.)

Notice how Cas gets up saying something to Donna before going out. Nobody notices apart of her, so when she follows him, nobody notices either.

Cas ended up on the steps just in front of the door. She doesn’t try to be silent when she gets out and stays close to Castiel.

“What is on your mind, Castiel?” She says, waiting to get distracted too.

(Castiel told her how Purgatory was the place where every dead monster goes. How every werewolf, vampire, ghoul, shapeshifter, etc., go after any hunter kills it. How is that place where Castiel took the leviathans. And that didn’t make her feel better at all.

Castiel asked, _Why to even mention it? a_nd Dean never said no to tell.

“_Dean and Adam are going to go there._”

She noticed how his body tense, looking at her with big eyes, sad eyes with something else this time.

_“What?_”

_“Dean said that they need to go for some flower so they can do something about Chuck.”_

Cas is still looking at her, his face showing nothing but confusion, but he doesn’t say anything else.

He just nods at her and turns back.

She doesn’t stop him.)

Now, now she doesn’t expect something either, but Castiel surprises her.

“Purgatory.”

“Me too. And Dean...”

She has her eyes in his tense back, with either of them moving to look at each other. She wishes she could read his mind to know it would be an error to just grab his shoulder and turn him herself.

“...and Dean.” He says, really soft.

“He is going to be all right.” _He has to be_, doesn’t say.

Castiel still doesn’t move, and she doesn’t know what else to say, so she is the one to turn around to go back inside, not before sending a look at Castiel’s back.

She doesn’t notice the angry expression of Castiel. She doesn’t stay enough to see Castiel look at the sky and hear him curse. She doesn’t stay enough to listen to what else is in those curses because he hears something just now in a prayer.

_Castiel..._

And he wasn’t that to Dean anymore, but now he is again, and that hurts, a little.

_Nothing should go wrong. I mean, I’m going with an archangel._

Even if he is trying to joke about it, his tone is to dry.

_We’re going to purgatory. If everything goes right, we will have to meet._

He doesn’t sound that he is too enthusiastic about it. And neither is he.

_Maybe we have something that can help us going against Chuck._

He doesn’t think is going to work. They are talking about _God_.

_If anything happens in there... I want to... I... _I’m sorry_._

His hand hurt for closing it too hard. He can feel the longing, the repent, the pain.

He can feel it, and he doesn’t like that. He doesn’t want to.

_Fuck him._

“Michael, bring him back.” He says in a whisper, sure that Michael is able to hear it.

Michael ignores the prayer knowingly that Dean is doing. Nothing is going to happen in that place. He is going to make sure of it. But obviously is a sensitive topic for Dean, so he let him be.

When they are going through the portal, he hears it.

That voice makes him frown.

How dare he ask him something like that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I know that something happened with Lillith(?) but we will ignore it until I have something to do with her.  
We will completely ignore the thing that they said about Benny too, because I really want to use him because I love him.  
(And even Ty Olson said that _ that _ was bullshit, so... yeah.)

**Author's Note:**

> After what happened the last episode I just needed to write something... and this happened.  
Obviously is a complete AU because I don't freaking know what is gonna happened after this... (and that makes me so freaking anxious-).
> 
> This could be taking like a coda?? idk
> 
> So tropes(?):  
-Depressed Dean  
-Jody caring for Dean  
-ADAM  
-MICHAEL  
-PROTECTIVE MICHAEL (because fuck fake ass bitch Michael)  
-Bi!Dean (apparently)  
-Broken!Dean (I guess he's kind of OOC 'cause he still isn't in that point??? on the show???)


End file.
